Letters to an Asexual #23 (Sex Face!)

Letters to an Asexual #23 (Sex Face!)

Hey! So, it’s swankivy again with Letters
to an Asexual, this is Number 23, reading stuff that I get in my mail, sometimes good
sometimes bad, and today I’m going to do one from a long time ago where a guy wrote me
and said that he thought all my videos were fake. I mean he said he thought I wasn’t really
asexual and I was just trolling people with these videos. And he wrote me this, like,
“level with me” kind of e-mail saying he wanted to know if I was serious about all this stuff.
And when I asked him what the hell he was talking about, like what in the name of cheese
could’ve made him think I wasn’t serious about the things I was saying, he said he thought
I might be trolling because in one of my videos I “made a sexual face.” And his explanation
was full of this, like, “come on, you know what you did” kind of attitude, as if there’s
this, like, established sex face that observant people can pick up to figure out that the
whole asexual thing is a ruse. Yeah, sure, I’m one of the most prolific creators of asexuality-related
content but you can tell it’s all a lie because because of my sex face. Am I doing it? Am I doing the sex face? Okay, so let’s look at the video he was talking about. He was talking about
how at the very end of my Honorable Mentions video where I was discussing some of the stuff
people say to me about asexuality that didn’t make my Top Ten list, and the last one was
where people asked me if I’m some kind of freak because I don’t get horny. I rolled
my eyes about it, took my jacket off as a gesture of impending violence–you know, because
that’s what people do in movies when they’re about to kick someone’s ass, they take their
coat off–got annoyed because the zipper got stuck, and then literally punched the camera.
That was my sex face. Yeah, I’m sure if you take a few screen caps from it you might be
able to put some racy labels on them and pretend I’m in a porno. I’m also pretty sure you can
do that with screen caps of literally anything. The problem here is someone decided my entire
message is suspect because they think I was “being sexual” even when I explicitly said
otherwise. And they put some random expression of mine into a sexual context to undermine
what I do. Awww! Well, I’m sorry, but that is not a sex face, this is not a sex outfit,
that is not sexy makeup, this is not a sexual pose, and I am not “being sexual” every time
I do something that makes someone else think about sex. Okay, so this whole sexualizing
people who are not necessarily participating willingly is obviously not new, and it is
obviously not a problem that is just for asexual people. Society uses it a lot to blame people
for the sexual attention they receive and accuse us of “asking for it.” That way they
don’t have to question the assumptions they make and they can feel justified treating
us in ways that benefit themselves. If they can create a culture where we’re responsible
for any feelings or desires they have toward us, then they don’t have to be accountable
for any behaviors that we supposedly inspire. Asexual people can sometimes be especially
vulnerable to internalizing blame for stuff like this because a lot of us feel like we’re
not entirely able to participate in a part of mainstream society that is so central to
how other people think. Long story short, every time we get told we just don’t understand
how sexual we’re being without even trying to, we learn that we may be giving off signals
that we just can’t shut off and we’re just gonna have to accept this is the natural attention
that we’re going to get in a sex-driven society. But that’s not true, not for us or for any
other sexuality. Even when someone is out of touch with or unaware of what motivates
a sexual interest, that does not mean that they’re therefore “being sexual” toward someone
who wants sex with them, and it certainly doesn’t mean they’re frigging lying about
what they secretly want. Nobody needs to be telling you as an asexual person that you
have to change something about the way you look or the way you behave to stop other people
from desiring sex with you. You are not responsible for entertaining or tolerating their desires.
It’s fine if you think I’m sexy, but don’t you dare accuse me of deliberately teasing
you or trolling you to inspire that reaction. So, that wraps up Number 23. As an additional
little reminder, uh, I wrote a book, you guys know, The Invisible Orientation, it is about
asexuality. It is gift time as I’m making this video, some of you may celebrate holidays
where you wanna get presents for people. Put it on your wish list, ask for it for your
holiday. If you see this at a time that is not near a gift time, hey, maybe somebody’s
birthday’s coming up! Get my book. It’s great. You’ll like it if you like my channel. So,
plug plug. And it also comes not only in hardcover but in audio and in eBook, so check it out
on the Internet, and I recently found out that the book is coming out in October 2015
in paperback. So if you wanna wait for the paperback that’s when it’s going to come out
from my publisher. October 2015. So. Thank you guys for watching. I’m trying to make
a new video about once every month, so keep on tuning in and checkin’ it out, and I’ll
keep reading my hate mail.

38 thoughts on “Letters to an Asexual #23 (Sex Face!)

  1. Grrl… I'mma lovin' dat sex face XD

    Seriously, I don't know what I'd do if a girl made faces like that while we're having sex @[email protected]

    Though, speaking of sex faces, this whole topic reminds me of a story if anyone wants to hear it. Don't know if it's TMI or not, though…

  2. I do admit that I have said Sorry to my friend when he admit that he is watching my ass too much. He said it's not my fault. But to me.. I were just polite – not saying that I were fault on anything. As much others have to understand asexuals – we have to understand other sexuals.
    In my case I usually (always) keep pants what doesn't show my ass much at all – but this time I were just too lazy to change and he were just broken up with his partner.. So it was understandable and he were honest about it – instead being rude like many people seem to be.

    Not like all sexual comment are meant to be rude etc. and we have to remember how each other behave.
    But yeah.. Mostly I see it so boring and sometimes so annoying that everything has to look or looks sexy to many people. And mostly I don't see it that natural – it feels more like cultural thing and I hate that society with ads etc. has come to this.

    Movies with asexual writers etc. would be so much more interesting! There actually would be things happening and no need for forced romance (/boring sex scenes). Not saying that all of them are boring or bad.. But many doesn't fit into plot. Not even in tv series without destroying the real characters.

  3. I love your higher-quality edits, Julie. The background track creates a really nice touch. Perhaps a series of these shorter LtaA episodes would be a wise move, for your channel.

  4. I have discovered that it is when I do not dress up pretty that I get hit on the most. I have been called cute while wearing a cardboard box. Seriously, it was a huge cardboard box which covered me from neck to ankle, I could barely walk in it. Apparently that is cute. Clearly, there is no way I can control whether people see me in a sexual way, so it's up to them to be respectful.

  5. When people don't leave me alone about stuff like this I usually just say, "Asexuality means I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. It doesn't mean you can't be sexually attracted to me," before abandoning the conversation entirely. That might sound super vain but, if it pisses them off, job done.

  6. Because a troll would really spend all of these years making asexuality videos and writing a freaking book about it. Yeah, totally. A+ for logic

  7. Maybe it's because I'm asexual, but I didn't see anything sexy about any of your faces.  I mean you're totes a cutie, it's just I was laughing so hard when you were doing your montage of faces ^_^   I really like these "letters" videos, it helps to know I'm not alone with these types of questions from people.  Someone put a comment on my coming out as asexual video that said, "This just makes you even hotter. ;)".  I wasn't sure how to respond to it so I just put a smile, but I was really creeped out by it.  

  8. I think "you were making a sex face" guy's accusation says a lot more about how his mind operates than how you make faces. Projection much?

  9. I think this is my favourite video of yours. It was really funny and really relatable! For me, personally, I'm fine if other people think I'm sexy but I'm not fine with people telling me they think about me sexually. I'm not sex repulsed in the sense of every time sexuality comes into the conversation I'm repulsed, but every time sexual context comes into play with something that society has told me shouldn't be sexual content. (Example, Ariel's goals in The Little Mermaid, or me doing something very platonic like sitting or eating something.) So "You're purposefully being sexual here!" is incredibly balk-worthy.

  10. Great video, as always!  🙂

    "Sex face"? <cough, cough>  *Really*?  Amazing what some folks will project onto others.  And yes, especially annoying when they're "absolutely sure" in their overzealous (and incorrect) presumptions.  Egad.

    I don't know about "sex face", but I'm pretty sure I saw at least one good "fish face" in this video.  🙂

    And highly inappropriate for anyone to be insisting upon what someone is communicating, especially without well knowing/determining and confirming that, and goes about double or triple when all the evidence is to the contrary (egad. some twisted/distorted viewer bias in some viewer(s)).

    Now, for better or worse, folks will be sexually attracted to and/or turned on by … whatever (or not, or not at all), but that's their issue.  If the other person isn't interested and/or it's inappropriate just drop it – period.  Heck, I'm (perhaps boringly so) heterosexual male, and sure, there's a helluva lot that attracts me and/or catches my attention on a friggin' whole lot 'o females (heck, what, perhaps even most?), but … geez, for the most part that never goes anywhere and I don't even consider it … just drop it on the floor – it's a no-go, don't consider it, don't push it, don't bring it up, don't even suggest or pursue it in any way.  Besides, also wouldn't want to be an unwelcomed or inappropriate annoyance anyway.

    And, orientation/attraction (and/or lack thereof) … it's not like it's a choice.  But (in)action is a choice.  Much of the time, me being attracted to anyone(s) … well, notably many/most women in general, rather wish that attraction bit wasn't in my brain – as for the most part it's just a distraction with negligible to zero use, and perhaps more often detriment (distraction, frustration, …) than not.

    Hmmmm, … "sex face" … I rather doubt that works anyway, … even if there is such a thing.  Heh, … as if there was, and I could put on my "sex face" and get a whole lot 'o women swooning over me, … yeah, right.  Not happenin', … nor would I know what a "sex face" was if I saw one (or, egad, if it would be attractive to me?).

    Well, in any case, unwanted attention and/or inappropriate and inaccurate projections/presumptions/assumptions – not good things.  Some folks just need to get a clue.  And thanks for continuing to be an excellent source of quality clues!  🙂  Some folks it just may take longer to soak in.  :-/  (year(s), decade(s), century(/ies)??? … hopefully doesn't take too long to evolve).

  11. I had to stop drinking my water long enough to prevent myself from doing spit takes. Sex face, eh? My that's one lovely sex face! Haha. Silly none asexual believers.

  12. Sounds like this guy had a 'reception' problem, rather than you transmitting a sexual message.

    In other words, he saw what he wanted to see!

  13. To people who say: HOW COULD YOU LIVE WITHOUT SEX?????? I say: people can't survive without food, water, air.  No one has ever died from not having sex, so I'll be fine. And if you're still in denial, then how come I'm still alive lol 🙂

  14. Recently figured out I was asexual in part to your videos, decided to subscribe. Do you think your book is going to at some point be made into an audio book?

  15. The stupidest thing I've ever I've ever heard on here was some guy telling others that if you don't have sex in your relationships or if you have a disability when in a relationship were you can't have sex, that you and that person are just friends and not partners or lovers.

    Also tried to call being Asexuality a disability saying it that Humans that can't experience sexual attraction usually have some kind of trauma to blame. Witch is dumb and like saying if your gay then your only gay since you were sexually assaulted by a man or if your a girl and you like girls that's only so because you were rape by another girl.

    And if not wanting sex was counted as a disability then won't people also count people who don't want kids as one too?. The whole conversation was just mostly the guy talking out his ass. And the rape one really bothers me since when I was 14 I was sexually assaulted but even before then I still felt the same way I do now about sex and when I told my mom that I was asexual she wrote it off as me maybe being like her brother and not finding the right one yet and then basically saying I felt the way I did  because of the assaulted.   

  16. Sex face.
    I saw a sexy gesture NOT sex gesture in there were you had the thing were you undid your shirt/jacket and showed your bra. Cure bra btw; I have one just like it.

    But that was one of the stupidest things I ever heard. Not surprising though as someone once told me the reason I tied my jacket around my waist as a way of saying I'll fuck anyone recently.

    So you can't tie your jacket around your waist, have facial expressions, show are bra, or talk without wanting sex.

    Hmm interesting, I wonder if breathing is a sign of wanting sex.

  17. When I pause some of your videos while you are in mid-speach, you sometimes look like a mutant which just just goes to prove that asexuality is a mutation.

  18. All this guy wanted was for me to do sexual things and send him sexual pictures, so I told him why I wasn't comfortable with that, and I came out to him. Now he thinks that he did something wrong and I "became" asexual because of him, how do I explain that he is 100% wrong?

  19. Wish this information was accessible to me 15 – 20 years ago . Thank you so much for your efforts on behalf of asexuality. Your book was eye opening . Swankivy master troll 🙂

  20. That's some sexy sex face, baby. Aw yeah. So hot.

    Joking aside though, there's seriously a facial expression fornsex? It might just be because I am aromantic asexual but that sounds weird and crazy for me. To each their own, I guess.

  21. Okay, so when I saw your video title, my first thought was exactly this; that some guy thought you were making some kind of 'sex face' in your video and ran with the idea.

    Then I thought, no, that's too silly.

    Apparently I underestimated this guy's stupidity.

  22. I'm not asexual but I have been a supporter since I first learned about it. Do your thing! I think even without all you do for asexuals you are still super interesting and I follow your other work!

  23. Omg, you included "The Chipmunk Adventure" in a sex faces video. Childhood Destroyed. Jk, great video – CursedFreedom

  24. Mine is an interesting story:
    From years 18- 38 I considered myself bisexual but never ended up in a sustained satisfying relationship. I blamed my overriding appetite for sexual pleasure,
    I became disillusioned with sex and for 5 years didn 't date or initiate a relationship.
    Then I met Nadine and from the start we clicked emotionally, spiritually, and intellectuality. We were both asexual . We've been together now going on 9 years, and it 's been the most blissful 9 years I have ever known. We're affectionate but not sexual. We cuddle and kiss and sleep together but I never get an erection and she never gets wet but we consider it better than love- making because it's like we flow together without tension. Far better than sex. Something so heartfelt that the only words to describe it are " asexual love " or " love without lust"


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